This will be a rather unimpressive woe-is-me blog, but despite feeling kind of lousy all day and thinking I might fall asleep before sundown, I found myself lying in bed with my mind too active and thought I would do some share-writing versus journaling. I should take some melatonin.

I sneezed all day; it isn’t the vaccine (yet) making me feel lousy, it’s just the weather. And my noisy head could be any number of things.

Mom’s 8th death anniversary is Monday. EIGHT YEARS. I still drive her car, and her #1 Hockey Fan/God Bless America pins that she taped together and hung from the rearview mirror with a wooden Christian fish symbol (I think I had one of those Christian fish, too) fell down this week. I kept them, but won’t hang them back up in the car. Those were Mom’s and I will let them go and I will move forward, a little. Better for them to release on their own than for me to take them down when that car dies and I have to trade it. What a torrential downpour of tears that will be.

Although Jenny had to remind me that we are in the period of April when Mom was dying, I think I always know it subconsciously when this time of year rolls around. April 15th is the last day (in 2013) when I saw her alive and “well.” It also would have been Ditto’s birthday, but we euthanized him just weeks prior this year, and wow, do we miss him. We expect to see him constantly and everywhere in this apartment. I just left Pete in bed and closed the door and looked for Ditto to push or pull it back open. That was a “fun” game we played when I stayed up late.

I’m struggling at work. I’m constantly displeased and frustrated. I see so much room for improvement and so little desire to change. I feel that I am quite good at what I have been doing for over 20 years, and yet I am not given the tools or support to do it as well as I could. I could go on, but everyone’s tired of hearing it and sometimes, I’m tired of saying it. Pete says, “They hear you; they just don’t agree with you.” Well, I’ve been there before.

The weekend we lost Ditto, I also lost a friend – because the friend sent me an unsolicited picture of his genitals. I’ve debated writing publicly about this and been advised against it and thought I wouldn’t, but there isn’t much I don’t share from my own experiences. I want people to know IT IS NOT OK TO DO THAT, but the people who need to hear that, I suspect, won’t actually learn from hearing those words, not from me or anyone else. Because the response I got when I said it was unacceptable and should never happen again was, “Oh, I’m just kidding; oh, it’s just me; oh, I don’t give a damn.” There may have been a “sorry” thrown in for good measure once it was clear things had gone awry. I made it 45 years before I was assaulted in this way, and now I realize how disgusting it is to have someone force their genitals visually on someone else – especially someone who trusts them. I keep wondering why it happened to me, and I think the answer is that I was just a girl on the other end of a text message conversation with a guy who decided to send a dick pic. I’ve researched why it happens, and it seems to be (1) to get a similar photo back and/or (2) to lead to sexual activity. Well, neither of those things happened. What happened is that I told my husband, I blocked contact, and we lost a friend – because, to make matters worse in some ways, my husband and I both knew the a**hole who thought he could fool around with me and betray my husband.

I seem to be losing a lot of friends, and/or have lost a lot of friends, and/or my friendships are changing in the recent past/immediate present. I know this happens, but for me, who is part The Loyalist (Type Six — The Enneagram Institute), ending relationships (including quitting jobs) IS HARD. I’m trying to heed the signs when a relationship needs a breather or is done (am I doing all the contacting? do I actually not enjoy the person?), but it feels like such a loss – until I spend time with people who remind me how much better and easier relationships can be. People move in and out of each other’s lives. It just happens. Sometimes we stay, sometimes we come and go, and sometimes we just go. I think I will adopt the Marie Kondo philosophy when it comes to relationships: do they bring me joy?

So, a lot has happened since I last posted. I’ve done a lot of journaling. I’ve done a lot of crying. I’ve done a lot more studying my enneagram and talking to friends and family, and I hope to be able to see my therapist in the near future, because I need even more insight and support – which, naturally, is why I am writing here as opposed to my “Why am I so freaking freaked out right now?” journal. That book is a great listener, but it doesn’t respond so much.

Holy cow, I’m burning up. This might be the vaccine. Pete is going to be so happy when I turn the ceiling fan on. Good night, all. Thanks for listening.