I’m not alone.  I’ve seen other people post about how unusually tired they are since COVID-19 began taking its toll.  We’re tired from

• worry
• the extra effort everything takes now
• boredom
• separation
• loneliness
• longing
• searching for things that apparently no longer exist at a store
• waiting in line to enter stores, then feeling rushed to get out of the store so someone else can enter
• bagging my own groceries because my reusable bags are no longer safe
• unfairness
• unpredictability
• the people who know everything but don’t agree about everything they know
• the people who know nothing and make it very clear while being near us or in charge of us
• being people who know we don’t know everything and worry that we did the wrong thing(s)
• being in charge
• not being in charge
• inconsistency
• sickness
• death
• symptoms that may or may not be COVID-19
• no symptoms that still don’t mean someone doesn’t have COVID-19
• gimmicks to keep us entertained online
• a new surge in chain letters, which goes well with that senior class photo I didn’t post despite popular demand
• hoaxes
• unemployment
• being overworked
• lack of structure
• lack of routine
• wearing masks (but I am so grateful for the people who are making them!)
• washing hands
• carpal tunnel, insomnia, and crying (contributed by Holly)
• worry

I think it all comes down to worry.  For me, this is a fight with an invisible bug.  How the f*ck am I supposed to attack something I can’t see?  I know it shows itself sometimes, as in, when people show symptoms, or in a lab.  I know it exists.  But I’m wearing masks and washing my hands and trying not to touch people and trying not to touch things and it feels like I’m dodging (rather than chasing) an invisible Pokemon.  (Maybe this isn’t a good reference since I never actually played Pokemon.)

I lack control.  I lack absolute knowledge.  I lack enough people I can touch and spend time with.

I have a job.  I’m so lucky – and yes, luck is about all it comes down to right now.  It’s not about being essential.  Hey, I’m delighted to booze it up almost every day of the week, but alcohol truly should not be essential, and there’s a problem when it is.  I was raised in AA and I can’t let go of that mindset.  (After posting this, I keep revisiting this thought and find it harsh.)  I don’t want the alcohol stores to close, though – I want all the businesses to open!  I want my theater friends and hair styling friends and personal fitness friends and all the other “nonessential” workers to get back out there and get paid . . . I want us all to go back to living outside our homes!  Haven’t we had enough time to figure out how to do it safely?  Skip a seat, skip 2, skip 3, skip 5 in the theater.  Skip tables in a restaurant.  I don’t remember ever having anyone next to me in the hair salon.  We can figure it out, people.  WE CAN.  I know so many people who don’t have jobs, and I constantly drive past businesses that are barely hanging on (https://mountainx.com/opinion/letter-a-plea-from-the-owners-of-an-asheville-restaurant/), some that have closed completely.  There is no fairness to it.  “You work.  You don’t.  You open.  You close.”  I’m sure there was thought put into it, but thoughts aren’t paying the bills and thoughts won’t fund all of the unemployment claims.

This guy has some good ideas: https://freopp.org/a-new-strategy-for-bringing-people-back-to-work-during-covid-19-a912247f1ab5.  I warn you, it’s a long read, but well thought-out.

I’m just tapped out this week.  I have little interest in anything.  There’s no end in sight and things seem somewhat hopeless.  I’M NOT SUICIDAL.  I have big plans for my funeral.  I’m not dying when only 10 or fewer people can come see me off.  If I pass during this thing, you folks wait and celebrate me when I can have a proper burial of 3-digit attendees.  1900 Mexican, Strada, and Little Caesar’s will cater.  (I haven’t asked them, but who can say no to a dead person?)

Thanks for reading my sad ramblings.  I know you all have your own feelings, your own struggles.  I know we’re all in this together.  I can’t wait until we’re out of it . . . together.