My mom had two brothers (pictured at the end of this blog). The one on the left is her twin (Uncle Bob) and the one on the right (Uncle Cliff) is their older brother by 3 years. Mom and the older brother actually more physically resembled each other, but when it came to heart, she and the twin were a match.

Uncle Cliff died today. My mom, as you may know, died in 2013. The photo here is from 2010. Sometime in or before 2016, Uncle Cliff and his wife broke off from basically all of our family. Uncle Bob and his wife, Aunt Linda, thought it was something they had done, a fallout from a disagreement, but in retrospect, Uncle Cliff and his family quit attending all of our family functions. When my sister and I visited Uncle Bob and Aunt Linda at the beach this past summer, Jenny’s youngest son encouraged us to invite Uncle Cliff and Aunt Kitty (Uncle Cliff’s wife) over to play cornhole. These brothers and their wives had beach homes within walking distance of each other, but had ceased contact. Jenny and I took sweet 12YO Eli’s advice and walked some houses down the street. Uncle Cliff answered the door, scowled at us, told us they were eating dinner, and closed the door.

There was a different summer, one I prefer to remember, when I was high school or college age and Uncle Cliff and Aunt Kitty invited Mom, Dad, Jenny, and me to the beach. They also let Jenny and me each bring a friend! But my best memory of it is that Uncle Cliff and I walked the shore and found sharks’ teeth. I have no idea what we talked about, but just the two of us walked and found teeth. I liked that guy a whole lot. That’s the guy I mourn, and have mourned for many years.

I follow my cousin’s wife (Uncle Cliff’s daughter-in-law) and her two daughters on Instagram. They seem lovely and the daughters even interact with me a little bit. One of them posted a photo this week of Uncle Cliff and Aunt Kitty on their wedding day, which I thought was an anniversary post, but now I understand it differently. 

My mom’s twin found out that his last surviving sibling died today because someone posted something on a public forum. That’s how a man who never stopped loving his brother found out he lost his last sibling. His brother’s widow/children didn’t notify him or ask anyone else to. I have no reason to think any of us will be notified of memorial services, just as we weren’t notified of Uncle Cliff’s retirement ceremony, which was “just family.” Frankly, we have all been waiting for years to find out that Uncle Cliff died some time ago and nobody bothered to tell us, but they had a lovely service for, you know, his family. Realizing now that I saw an Instagram post that a handful of people knew meant my uncle was dying and I that thought meant it was his wedding anniversary is a great demonstration of how severed this family is.

In 2010, these brothers loved each other. That is why I chose this photo. That is the loss. I am sad that my mom’s brother died and that I am so disconnected from his immediate family, who are facing their worst Christmas ever, that I cannot even send them condolences. But he is someone I don’t know any more because he chose not to know me. When he shut the door in our face this summer, it was as helpful as it was shocking. It removed any question I had about what I could do to restore the broken relationships in our family. I could do nothing. That is a difficult realization for a helper, but it’s true. I cannot fix relationships where I am not invited or welcome. And so, my uncle is dead and I have memories, I have questions, I have sadness, I have anger. And I guess that’s regular old grief.