The title is not a quote. I’m particularly bad at titles.

I was recently made aware of something said about me in kindness and love (as well as a little bit of concern) over the summer.  Four months had passed since the comment was made, and I suspect I had never been told about it because nobody wanted me to go down the rabbit hole where I quickly descended.  There are some things people can say about me that I shrug off, and there are others that “hit a nerve,” as we say, for any number of reasons.  Was it something I already thought about myself, so it hurt that someone else thought it, too (remember the list Ross made about Rachel on Friends?)?  Was it so foreign from who I think I am that it left me questioning who I actually am?  Well, there’s only one way to find out, and that is to spend a lot of time festering on what happened, what was said, and what I think/know about myself. 

• Is what was said about me how I want to be perceived?  No
• Is what was said about me an accurate perception? It was at that moment
• Based on the foregoing, do I have changes to make?  I think yes – And that’s not a solid “yes” only because of some ongoing reflecting.

The short point to all of this is that I realized I’m pretty sure of who I am at this point in life. Whether it be that I am a narcissist or just trying to understand what makes me tick, I tend to do a lot of self-analysis. I think I always have. Having minored in psychology (the major didn’t work out, damn statistics!), I remain fascinated also by the workings of other people and how we react, interact, harm and help each other.

I believe the comment was made out of legitimate concern for me and was kept from me out of kindness, and also because nobody likes to be criticized and therefore most people don’t like to criticize. And as much as I didn’t like hearing it, I appreciate that someone cared enough to say it.

And I am grateful that when I felt forced to think about what was said, I settled on these positive outlooks as opposed to self-loathing and contempt for the observer. I’ve spent plenty of time self-loathing and then learning to like myself.  There is always room for improvement, but I am also careful to be sure the improvement comes from my own desires, not from anyone else trying to create a version of me they would prefer.  I’ve had no shortage of people suggest I do things differently, be it my physical appearance or choices I make, how I communicate, or if I even communicate at all. How I respond to those prompts defines me.  (Come on. You aren’t going to stop me from communicating.)  I have a strong identity and I’m fairly contrarian by nature, so my response to most things involves some evaluation if not an outright challenge.

If we don’t know who we are, we let other people tell us who we are. We settle for jobs and relationships that are not good for us and miss out on better opportunities, better connections, more rewarding relationships because we are “stuck” somewhere else.  We make decisions we think we have no choice but to make because we believe what we are told about ourselves.  We suffer unjust abuse and criticisms because we have no defense.  (Read that last sentence carefully, because not all criticisms are unjust, and sometimes there is no defense.)

I work in an industry where people who promised forever to each other sometimes treat each other horribly as they break that promise.  They find ways to use everything against each other, including bad habits they once indulged in together and personality differences they used to overlook or let balance each other out.  In my career, so many things become evidence sprung to gain an advantage, to annihilate, to hurt – and that has also become the world. Everyone lives in a glass house and the stones keep getting thrown.  At any given moment, what we say, write, or do could be recorded whether we know it or not – and it will be used against us when it will be advantageous to someone else.  What a terrifying way to live.  That is partially why I don’t blog as much as I used to.  My journal seems a safer forum.  It neither validates me nor accuses me of a variety of slights.  But it does help me process my thoughts and my feelings and decide how I feel and what I think. 

“A loud voice cannot compete with a clear voice, even if it’s a whisper,” said Barry Neil Kaufman.  It’s easy to forget that in a world of noise (social media, social influence, and onslaughts of “news,” most of which is opinion pretending to be news).  If you don’t know what you think when it is calm, it will be much more difficult to remain even keeled in a storm.  Discover who you are, be certain about who you are, and then – one of my new favorite mantras: “Darling, just fucking own it.” (I can’t even attribute that to anyone. It’s everywhere!)

Not one of us is perfect.  That isn’t a cop-out; it’s undeniable fact.  We are all compilations of the good and bad things we have done, of the good and bad things that have happened to us, of the lessons we have learned and the ones we are still learning, of the mistakes we have made and are still making, of the fantastic things we have done and have yet to do. 

Know who you are before someone tells you what you can and cannot do. Know your limits and know your capabilities.  Know who you are so when someone only wants to focus on your past, you have an eye on your present and your future.  Know who you are so when you hear something you don’t like, you can objectively evaluate that criticism.  Know it so when you receive a compliment, you don’t become an egomaniac, but can still accept and believe the nice things said about you.  Know it because you are worth knowing, and because this world never stops trying to tell us who we are (or should be), and few of us actually know our own selves when left standing alone with nobody else.